Daily Adoption Guide

Happy For The Holidays--Your Adopted Child Can Be Better Behaved This Christmas

2009-12-26T02:13:00.000-08:00

By Bryan Post

Ah, the Holidays...A time of peace on earth, joy to the world, and pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, for adoptive and foster families, the holiday season can be nothing short of a nightmare. Children with trauma histories, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and ADHD often display their worst behaviors during this time--making it a not so happy time of the year for both them and their families.

So how should foster and adoptive parents respond during this time? What type of discipline is the most effective in reducing severe behaviors? Can parents prepare ahead for the holiday season--ensuring that they are ready with tools for when the hardest moments arise? Starting with the question of discipline, we'll give you a few tips.

The definition of discipline is to teach. A good teacher examines her topic, prepares in advance, and is gifted at imparting her knowledge. It is much easier to punish or shame than it is to take time out and truly train our kids. Discipline is, after all, training--is it not? Being flexible, having a patient attitude, and avoiding punishment and isolation are good steps to take toward effective training. Healing comes after the realization that many of the severe behaviors seen in fostered and adopted kids are driven by misunderstanding and fear.

I'm not saying to throw out boundaries--children always need rules and understanding the behavior will do you no good without guidelines for your kids to follow. I am saying that assuming your nine year old knows what the right choice is every time he is faced with a decision is a falsehood. When children are stressed, they revert back to younger developmental ages and thinking--which means their decision making is affected as well. Knowing that, it is easy to see why the holidays would evoke so much bad behavior. If you are stressed during this busy time, you know your formerly neglected and abused child will be!

So what are some tools parents can use this time of the year to make the holiday season go more smoothly?

1. The next time your child misbehaves, I challenge you to take a moment to breathe, let your brain catch up to what just happened, and think through your next move. Ask some questions of yourself. Is your child tired? Has she had too much sugar? When was the last time you sat quietly together and read a story or just talked?

2. Consider if there is a reaction going on to something related to your child's trauma. This creates in you a sense of understanding that children pick up on--it is immediately calming. If the answer is yes, see if you can eliminate the negative stimuli, thereby cutting down on your child's stress and poor behavior.

3. Instead of grounding or taking away toys, act out what making the right choice would look like--ensuring the good choice gets imprinted in your child's motor memory.

Don't continue this year with the same old approaches that don't work--the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Approach your kids with an attitude of understanding and watch them soften to your leadership; and have a peaceful season! - 29550

About the Author:

You can receive a free Parenting Solutions Journal and start controlling temper tantrums in your older children, by clicking on the blue text.

How to Homeschool your Attachment Challenged Child

2009-11-27T09:55:00.000-08:00

By Sandra Nardoni

Two summers ago, as we struggled to parent our newest family members I never would have guessed that I would have the time, much less the inclination to write an article about home schooling adopted kids in just two short years. However, because of the techniques we've learned from books such as "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control", and "The Connected Child", seminars like the one we attended in February of 2007 with Juli Alvarado, and the incredible support and prayers of our family and friends-our family has stabilized and our home has become a haven instead of a war zone.

What a challenge and a thrill it is to have the privilege of home educating my three children! They are now 11, 9, and 8 and teaching to their intellectual and emotional ages every day can be quite the roller coaster ride. Many people in the realm of adoption preach schedules and rigidity but I have found routines with flexibility to be the most effective way to approach my kids. Routines give your children a sense of safety that they know what is generally going to happen during the day, and the flexibility comes in when you shift gears to accomodate the emotional state of your child in that moment, ensuring that you meet him where he is, without sacrificing content. I will be helping you to see what this type of homeschooling looks like and suggest curriculum you will find invaluable in teaching children with special needs.

Beginning with routines, let's break down what routines with flexibility looks like. It is tempting as an adoptive parent of children with attachment issues and special needs to go to one extreme or the other. Controlling the environment by dictating every move the child makes, or alternately, allowing them to run over the entire family. Neither of those choices brings a lot of peace or is conducive to emotional healing. In addition, when you are with your children as mother and teacher, 24/7 your kids' problems become very obvious and because you aren't sending them away to school, it's up to you to help them. Having a plan is a must.

First, take a look at what you are already doing and make notes about what is working. For us, it works to let my daughter sleep in if she needs to because if not, she makes everyone miserable! This gives me time with the boys before she wakes up and sometimes I'll get book work done with them before I ever even see her. It did not work when I tried to get her up at the same time as everyone else and make her be a morning person. These are the ways you can tweek your day and make your day work for you. Pay attention to your children's natural rhythms and bent so you can tailor your routine to what works for them. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day--you are striving first to have a good relationship, then to educate, not prepare them for the corporate world.

So, how do you teach to a child's developmental age in the moment, without sacrificing content? Our family accomplishes this in several ways but the biggest is through unit studies. Unit studies are perfect for families because you can bring all the kids under one umbrella for everything accept Math and Phonics. When the younger members (physically or emotionally) get too overwhelmed to move further into a topic, they can "get off the bus" so to speak and you can keep moving with your older kids. The curriculum we use to do this is KONOS but there is also My Father's World, and Sonlight curriculum. Personally, I think the first two are the best choices for special need kids but that gives you a place to start. If you want more information about specifics of what we use, you can sign up for my free mini-course below.

In a broad sense, my kids know what to expect of the day when they wake up. We have a framework that includes morning routines, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, rest time, and bedtime routines. These basics are important to keep in place when at all possible. As for other activities and events, we can mix things up sometimes and make basic parts of the day longer or shorter according to what is going on around the house. Our routines aren't rigid but there is a flow to our day.

Schooling all year helps this type of lifestyle tremendously. I don't have to be concerned if we spend five days out of one month cuddling on the couch or recovering from meltdowns. Because I study them and make sure they are in the right "place" to learn, I can gauge how far I can push them and what subjects they can handle that day. Mainly, I'm trying to build trust, character, and teach them to be good readers. Eventually, the other things will fall into place when their brains have had time to recover from their experiences. - 29550

About the Author:

Sandra Nardoni is the home educating, adoptive parent to three children. She also does private consultation with homeschool families educating adopted children. For more information on home educating attachment challenged children visit the link for a free 5 part mini-course.

How to Deal with the Needs of your Special Child

2009-10-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

By Dr. Noel Swanson

Some questions I have been asked by readers of my newsletter:

1. Do special needs children understand cause and effect and also rewards versus punishments? Do they comprehend the same way as other children?

The fact is that this is not an issue. No matter what type of living being you are we akk have an interest in reward versus punishment to some level. Think about the bottom of the food chain such as a cockroach. Cockroaches despise the light and live to move around in the dark hours of the night. They associate good feelings with dark and bad feelings with light. They might not think about it, but rather just feel it based on experience and instinct.

If you flip on the lights you will see roaches hurrying towards darkness under a couch or a crack in the wall. They sense the light and know that a feeling of punishment is headed their way. They know that if they head towards darkness they are heading towards a reward. This repeat reward makes them always want to scramble to the darkness.

Roaches don't have a memory and can't be trained like humans can. Canines can be instructed because they have a great memory. They know, for example, if they hear the word "sit" they will sit down in order to receive a treat or reward.

The more sophisticated the creature, the better their memory and analytical skills, and the greater their awareness of time (i.e. that future events will happen) then the more complex the varieties of reward and punishment that can be used.

What reward and punishments should you dole out? Easy. Try first by experimenting with different rewards and punishments based on your own experience. Have a system of rewards and punishments that will affect your child's behavior. Make sure that you are consistent. If their behavior changes then you have accomplished your goal. If it does not then take these two things into consideration:

a) either the rewards/punishments were not sufficiently motivating (again, see the book for details) or

b) your child could not build a bridge between the behavior and the reward or punishment. If you wait too long to respond to a behavior then your reward or punishment may have little or no meaning. This is most often see when dealing with younger children.

If your system doesn't seem to be effective then you need to stop and evaluate what you are doing. Make improvements and modifications. Try the system another time. Keep changing the system until you find one that works. If you are unable to find a system that works then think about the following:

You have tried all of the tips you can think of and your child's behavior hasn't changed. For example, maybe your child had PDD. You are required to complete a few hours of physical therapy with your child eacy day. However, your child doesn't want to do the physical therapy.

Richard has read the book. He has experimented with just about every reward, punishment, incentive scheme he can think of. He has tried to make the therapy more exciting and fun. But despite all of these efforts, half the time the therapy just does not get done.

So what is one to do? Well you have two options here:

a. You could become all upset and flustered about it. You get mad at yourself for your apparent failure. You feel like you are no service to your child. You want to find the magic trick that will make your child want to do his physical therapy session.

b. He can step back, look at the situation, and take a calmer, more pragmatic approach, accepting that maybe 50% of the time is all he is going to get, and that that is better than the 30% that Tim was doing a year ago.

Is (a.) or (b.) the more productive option?

The downfall of (a.) is that your stress level will sky rocket which affects everyone negatively. You are not having a fun time and your results won't improve this way.

The reality is that there is, perhaps, nothing on Earth that would motivate Tim to do those exercise 100% of the time. Sorry. But we live in an imperfect world, and maybe the child in the wheelchair really will never walk. We would all wish it were different. But if that is how it is, then that is how it is.

Is it not better to dial back the expectations and the striving, and aim to achieve the best that you can GIVEN THE LIMITATIONS YOU FIND YOURSELF UNDER? And, surprisingly, often when the stress is relieved, and the fun returns, then performance improves. But even if it doesn't, which would you rather have: a) 50% performance and everyone is miserable or, b) 50% performance and everyone is happy?

Don't try to fight battles you cannot win! - 29550

About the Author:

Worried about your child's performance in school? Concerned about special educational needs? Read more of Dr. Noel Swanson's helpful articles, and get a FREE gift, at his parenting advice website, and check out his acclaimed GOOD CHILD Guide and free newsletter. Parenting Problems

Why You Need Adoption Lawyer

2009-10-11T01:41:00.000-07:00

By Fisiwa Masu

First off, adoption lawyers are there to represent and protect the interests of couples who are going through the adoption process. Going alone is never a good idea as there are many people out there who prey on vulnerable couples by raising their hopes and often leaving them many thousands of dollars out of pocket with nothing to show for it. Your adoption lawyer should always present at any meetings so when potential child donors approach in this way and are looking for the money then you will have legal representation at hand.

At the first general meeting, your adoption lawyer will insist that no money change hands and that it is only to discuss requirements, the law and procedures regarding the adoption process. If the adoption lawyer is along, there is little chance that the birth mother will spin the adoptive parents a story about desperately needing cash for the legal costs involved in the adoption. In this instance it is easy for the adoption lawyer to obtain details of his counterpart in the process to discuss the donor's request.

It is important to remember that the responsibility for obtaining legal help for the birth mother is not that of the adoptive parents. Part of the adoption lawyers remit will be to make sure that the baby's mother actually has permanent address to reduce the chances of a deception taking place. Your legal representative will advise against sending out money so the birth mother can make travel arrangements as it is very easy to cash these tickets in and would be virtually untraceable.

A simple but often forgotten procedure of parents to be that do not have an adoption lawyer is to actually have proof that the birth mother is actually pregnant. Your adoption lawyer will also advise not to accept any documents of proof at face value and have them checked and verified. The situation may need to be discussed at a meeting with your lawyer if after a number of attempts documentary evidence, of pregnancy for example, fails to be produced.

Another tactic is when an adoption scammer will pose as somebody acting on behalf of a pregnant friend who would like to put her baby up for adoption and make contact with as many people looking to adopt as possible. If a mother genuinely wants her child or baby to be adopted, there will not be any deceptions and all reasonable requests will be granted, something your legal representative would be able to guide you on.

If contact is indeed granted, it is important to ensure that the birth mother and the friend are not the same person. This is another benefit of having professional adoption representation as checking a deception such as this can easily be detected.

The most likely time that a couple will be the victims of an adoption deception is quite early on when the enthusiasm is running high and their defenses are down so employing the services of a professional adoption attorney is well wroth the additional cost. As the adoptive couple is emotionally involved, decisions made by them are not always the best but it is important to maintain your composure and dignity if you wish a happy outcome. - 29550

About the Author:

Adoption Legal Advice offers more accurate information, check out this link: Step Child Adoption Process.

Parenting Foster Kids without Punishment

2009-10-09T02:49:00.000-07:00

By Sandra Nardoni

Kids are strong and seem to hold up under amazing pressure--especially kids in the foster care system. Parents would be wrong to assume, however, that their adopted and foster children can go forever in emotional limbo. They have emotional needs that have to be met and when they are met, your kids will be on the road to healing and your home will be more peaceful.

Of all the needs my children have, time is the most important thing I can give them. When I compare parenting my adopted children to parenting my biological son, there is one glaring difference. If I am not checking in with my adopted children on a regular basis (say, every thirty minutes or so) they start to act up and cause trouble because they feel alone. My biological son needs some level of interaction on a regular basis as well but he doesn't panic the way they do if he doesn't hear from me while he's playing.

More isn't necessarily better but many people think that it is. The trouble with this view is that more toys, more activities, more TV, can never replace the most valuable thing you have to offer your children--yourself. When the schedule piles on and I can't escape the busyness, I make it a point to spend a bit of one on one time with each of my children. When I don't, the result is misbehaving kids who are extremely disregulated. Keeping our schedule clear is a priority in our family unless an activity is of long term importance or we have a child who is highly interested in a particular activity or is gifted in an area that could be beneficial to him. For instance, one of our sons loves sports and we make sure he gets to pick a sport to play once a year. Things like piano lessons and home school co-op are regular parts of our schedule as well.

Being a home educator, I find it easier to spend one on one time because each child needs me for a portion of their day in order to learn. Even so, there are days I have to stop everything to read aloud or play a game because in the push of everyday living, a child of mine has begun to feel lost. For a traumatized child, feeling lost creates a sense of panic and they kick into survival mode.

Survival mode can look pretty ugly. When I experience stress and kick into survival mode I am not a nice person. In fact, I look a lot like my kids do when they are stressed out. If I, as an adult, have a hard time controlling my mouth and am visibly irritable when I'm tired or overwhelmed, think about how much harder it is for our adopted and foster children to control their outbursts in similar situations.

We saw survival mode vividly this week from my adopted son, Gabriel after the death of our pet goat. I could tell it bothered him but he didn't admit it and he hadn't cried or shown much emotion. Loss is especially poignant for children who have already lost the most important things in life. They often seem to bounce back more quickly but we have learned the emotion is there, just below the surface and the pain runs deep.

Right after the goat died, our friends showed up to play. This was a planned event but Gabriel was already on the verge of a tantrum and our friends arriving pushed him over the edge. Immediately, my son was bullying, calling names, and generally causing an uproar. When I asked him to come in the house he refused at first but eventually I got him to come in. When I set the timer for 20 minutes and told him he needed to stay close to me during that time, he went ballistic and started throwing things that he could reach nearby. He doesn't throw things hard, just tosses them like he's toying with really hurting something. He also started talking like a baby.

We learned early in this journey that stress causes regression. Baby talk and acting as if he is two or three years old is very common when Gabriel gets overwhelmed. He was three years old when he was removed from his biological mother's home and placed in a foster home and that is the age he returns to in his mind when he is stressed out.

Watching this tantrum, I knew he needed time with me and his favorite activity is playing board games. After he had calmed down, I had him get out a game from the cabinet and we played together. Amazingly, as we played the baby talk went away and he started to act his age again and was no longer mouthy or aggressive.

Many would judge my reaction as silly and say that I rewarded bad behavior. I would have said the same thing four years ago but now I know better. Punishing Gabe would have done nothing to help, rather it would have caused the situation to escalate. As I watch him do illogical things that is my clue that he needs more attention, not punishment.

I believe as foster and adoptive parents, we have a more urgent responsibility to sacrifice for our children. Their lives have been touched with so much sorrow already and if we do not decide to meet them with understanding and slow our lives down enough to listen to them, we will never truly win their hearts and eventually they will drift away. - 29550

About the Author:

Sandra Nardoni is an adoptive mom of 3, two of whom she adopted from the foster care system. If you are looking for tips on getting approved for foster care, visit the above link for a free mini-course about navigating the foster care system.

How to Deal with Your Child Being Kicked Out of School

2009-10-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

By Dr. Noel Swanson

Once again the British press is full of discussion about children misbehaving in school. And once again the main solution seems to be "exclude the troublemakers from the classroom".

However, the discussion involved a new, unique solution. The new solution is that idea that parents should stay home and monitor their children once the kids have been removed from school for their bad behavior.

Why would anyone do this? It is a nuisance to parents. The discussion also details letting special schools remain open, plus building more special schools for these misbehaving children.

After all, if the child is not getting on well in mainstream (which, since they have just been excluded, is clearly the case), then surely the answer has to be to find a type of educational environment in which the DO get on well?

This leads you to wonder what you can do as a parent if your child has been sent home from school for misbehaving. I have thought about this in detail after dealing with the very same issues with my oldest child.

1. DO NOT sit around blaming yourself for being useless parents. That won't help anyone. Of course your parenting could improve - that is true for everyone. So read some books and do some learning, not moaning.

2. The school has not failed to support your child. Your school does care about your child and maybe the mishandled education of your child is due to issues beyond their control like not having enough resources or poor teacher training.

3. Seek out assistance from the local education authority (LEA). They should be able to provide an alternative learning situation for your child. You need to be persistent when you contact them, but avoid being rude. You can ask your politicians and newspapers to help you get the ball rolling if you need to.

4. DO be prepared to consider alternative placements, such as special schools or even residential placements. Better to deal with it now, than to have your child growing up with the bad behaviors!

5. Seek out help to see if your child may have a learning disability, ADHD or Asperger's syndrome. These can cause disruptions in the classroom. There is an enviroment in which children who suffer from these conditions can thrive. It is a matter of finding that environment.

6. Don't ignore or gloss over your child's behavior or kid yourself into thinking that they are a model student. You may feel like defending your child and think that everyone is incorrect about his behavior. It is more productive to acknowledge that there might be a problem and work with help from the LEA to resolve the issue.

Those are just some of the issues you may have to deal with, so be prepared for them.

The previous tips should be of some assistance to any parent struggling with a child's behavior. Plus, if you work in the education field please refrain from pointing to kicking the child out of the classroom as the only solution. That would not be a solution and wouldn't be of benefit to anyone. - 29550

About the Author:

Worried about your child struggling in school? Concerned about special educational needs? Get more of Dr. Noel Swanson's helpful articles, and get a FREE gift, at his parenting advice website, and check out his acclaimed GOOD CHILD Guide and free newsletter. Preschool Child Behavior

Your Family Can Be Whole Through Adoption

2009-10-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

By Jennifer Andersmith

Despite the love many couples feel for each other, if the relationship is childless then it might feel empty and need resolving. When a married couple wants to adopt a child their first step takes them to an organization, usually a private one like the church that specializes in bringing together orphans with people who want to adopt a child. Often the first port of call for a couple that wants to adopt a child is to a private, possibly charitable organization that helps home orphans with people that desperately want to adopt. People that want to adopt will often contact the church or other charitable organization that have orphans who are in need of a loving family to join. Usually, if a couple cannot have a child, they will turn to an agency or organization, often charitable that specializes in providing childless couples with a son or daughter. For a childless couple, adoption would seem the next course of action and the first place to look would be an adoption agency or charitable organization, often run by the church, to help find them a child to adopt. However, it is worth remembering that adoption is not always the answer to the problem for couples who perhaps have given up trying to conceive. Adopting another person's child is a life changing experience having a huge impact on any couple or family and should not be taken without careful consideration.

Sometimes the birth mother of a child is unable to cope or a single mother is considered unsuitable, yes this still happens in some countries, and as a consequence the child becomes available for adoption. Normally, children that are to be adopted are placed in the foster home where the adoptive parents live and this is a standard procedure for the foster adoption system. Finally there is an emphasis on streamlining the foster car system to allow more children for adoption from regulations imposed on the Department of Social Services to provide more exhaustive, future proof adoption planning. Adoption can be very expensive and many prospective parents cannot afford the sums being charged by some agencies and these costs can vary depending on how you plan to adopt, but if this is really what you want, do not allow this financial burden to stop you. It's important that the adoption agency's license is up to date so check with your states licensing office before you make any commitment to them.

As with such an important issue, there are many aspects involved in adoption. This paperwork is the last step in what can be a lengthy process and once completed the child will have his or her new parents. An adopted child in America for instance will have their birth name changed to the adopted parent(s) and entered onto an amended birth certificate with details of their birth mother and father erased. It's vital that adoptive parents make themselves aware of the fact that adopted children will probably only comprehend adoption with all its implications when they have entered their second decade of life.

If a couple cannot adopt in their own country then international adoption is an alternative. Children adopted internationally often came with no personal information about themselves or their parents and very little hope that information would be forthcoming at some future time.

It is not only childless couples who adopt though, sometimes the couple has a child after they have adopted or just have room for more children in their family. Just remember there are many more adoption opportunities and incentives out there today than most people think, and there are also many children waiting. - 29550

About the Author:

Jennifer Andersmith has been creating domains for many years. She just created a new domain about door bell chimes. The new domain is called http://www.door-bell-chimes.com. The site was created to help you find the best door bell chimes.

Your Family Can Be Whole Through Adoption

2009-10-04T00:59:00.000-07:00

By Jennifer Andersmith

Many couples and married for that matter plan to have children, well it is only human nature after all and they often feel that the relationship isn't complete without one but all too often it's because they can't have children. When a married couple wants to adopt a child their first step takes them to an organization, usually a private one like the church that specializes in bringing together orphans with people who want to adopt a child. Often the first port of call for a couple that wants to adopt a child is to a private, possibly charitable organization that helps home orphans with people that desperately want to adopt. People that want to adopt will often contact the church or other charitable organization that have orphans who are in need of a loving family to join. Usually, if a couple cannot have a child, they will turn to an agency or organization, often charitable that specializes in providing childless couples with a son or daughter. For a childless couple, adoption would seem the next course of action and the first place to look would be an adoption agency or charitable organization, often run by the church, to help find them a child to adopt. Adopting a child may be right for some couples but those that no longer hold any hope of conceiving need to consider adoption very carefully as it isn't always the solution to their predicament. Adopting a child is always a serious decision to make and probably the biggest a couple will ever have to make, one that will affect the rest of their lives.

Sometimes the birth mother of a child is unable to cope or a single mother is considered unsuitable, yes this still happens in some countries, and as a consequence the child becomes available for adoption. Through the foster and adoption system, for example, children that appear available for adoption are placed in homes where the foster parents are planning to adopt. Owing to regulations, the Department of Social Services are being pressured into providing a more structured and long term approach to adoption and to allow more children currently in foster homes to be adopted. Adoption can be very expensive and many prospective parents cannot afford the sums being charged by some agencies and these costs can vary depending on how you plan to adopt, but if this is really what you want, do not allow this financial burden to stop you. One thing worth remembering before you decide on a specific agency is to check with the state records and ensure that the agency's license is current.

It is better that couples wishing to adopt go into it with their eyes open as it is not a straightforward matter. When after all this paperwork has been completed, the adoption is finally approved, nothing stands in the way between the child and its new parents. Once the adoption is finalized, in the US, the child's name is changed from his or her birth mothers or placing parents to the new adoptive parents on a new amended birth certificate. Depending on the child's age at adoption, it may not be possible for the parents to fully explain the adoption process and all that's involved until the child is in their teens.

When adopting from your native country is not possible, International adoption is a very positive alternative. It used to be that children who were adopted internationally had little or no information about their parents and that there was little chance that they would in the future.

Strange things happen to adoptive parents, who may not have been able to conceive but suddenly fall pregnant after they have adopted a child. It is good to know that there are more opportunities to adopt a child now than there have ever been before despite the difficulties often found in trying to do so. - 29550

About the Author:

Jennifer Andersmith has been creating websites for a long time. She just made a new website concerning door bell chimes. The new website is called http://www.door-bell-chimes.com. The site was created to help you find the best door bell chimes.

Foster Children and Defiance--How do You Deal with it Without Going Crazy?

2009-09-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

By Sandra Nardoni

Adopted children are difficult to read sometimes. Making judgments about their behavior is easy to do, especially when we compare them to non-adopted siblings. An important lesson I have learned in parenting my children adopted from foster care is that what is on the surface often goes much deeper.

My own anger often gets in the way of getting to the heart of the matter and hard situations escalate unnecessarily, making my children more stressed out. When I don't allow my anger to get in the way, however, I have fewer discipline issues because I have approached my kids first with understanding instead of jumping to conclusions.

Experiences children have had prior to living with their foster and adoptive parents many times cause them to display behaviors that look like defiance but in actuality are not. We assume defiance when the real emotion may be embarrassment or fear. Keeping an open mind can help parents to identify the heart of the matter and preserve the often tenuous relationships we have with our hurt children.

When we treat embarrassment, fear, or sadness like defiance we risk losing ground in our relationships with adopted and foster children. This ground was hard fought and we don't ever want to give it up without a fight!

As adoptive and foster parents, the most important thing we can do is to learn our children. Study them like we would study a report at work. Knowing them and their fears and triggers can go a long way towards avoiding undesirable behavior. Spending time with them is the key to knowing them so parents should always be looking for ways to connect meaningfully with their children.

True defiance is sometimes difficult to pinpoint in our kids--so many times the true issue is sadness, fear, or embarrassment. Treating every outbreak of anger as defiance can destroy relational ground you may have already gained with your kids and doesn't help you or your child. You may feel good that you have meted out a consequence, but have you gained anything? Your ultimate goal should be helping your children connect with their true feelings in order to produce healing. - 29550

About the Author:

If you are a foster or adoptive parent you may be struggling with severe behaviors. Sandra Nardoni, mother of three, two of whom are adopted from the foster care system helps parents who are looking for answers for their family. For more information, and to receive a free mini course about foster care and adoption, click on one of the links in this resource box.

Foster to Adopt--How to Put Your New Child at Ease

2009-09-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

By Sandra Nardoni

Being the new kid on the block is hard. No one likes to be the odd man out or feel they are being scrutinized by a new crowd. Unfortunately, foster care programs don't often take this into consideration when training their parents.

When a foster child comes into your home you may be very excited at their presence. You may be afraid about what they will be like and if you can be a good parent to them. You may have been waiting to love a child for a long time and the day has finally arrived. Those are all valid feelings but I'd like you to consider setting aside how you feel and think about how your new child is feeling. They may be feeling like the odd man out, an intruder, or unwanted.

Remember your new foster child may have just been removed from the only home they have ever known. They may be coming from a background of neglect or abuse and be scarred from those realities. No matter where they come from though, most children still feel loss when they are removed from their biological family. Considering that fact and even talking about it from time to time will help you bond with your new child.

Sometimes people choose to throw a welcoming party--especially if this is an adoptive situation. Consider carefully if you should do this. If you were feeling emotional would you want a bunch of relative strangers throwing you a party? Keep your expectations low at first and don't demand a lot of affection or even thankfulness. Be aware of your child's feelings and take it slow. Make sure your home is welcoming and that you are cheerful, but don't expect a lot in return.

Hugs are good as long as you ask the child permission and understand if they decline. Don't make a long list of rules. Rather, make one statement like, "This is a safe place for kids so we want you to treat others the way you want to be treated." What an easy statement to refer to when someone has been selfish or mean--and yet it is understandable even for a child.

Being hospitable is the best way to ensure your new child feels welcomed. Try to find out what they like to eat and serve it on the first night. Make the room they will have look inviting. Do not, however, expect that your foster children will show appreciation right away. They will be overwhelmed and may be unable to do much of anything. Ultimately, creating an atmosphere of safety should be your first priority when you begin the foster care journey. Stay calm and provide a calm environment. Only attempt activities that are absolutely necessary and be patient with your foster kids. They will respond most to patience and understanding. - 29550

About the Author:

Sandra Nardoni is a home educator and parent of three children. Sandra helps parents in their adoptive search. Sandra is an author who writes for the Parenting Solutions Journal, a journal for foster and adoptive parents. For more information about foster parenting and to receive a free mini course, click on one of the links in this resource box.

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